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Open Letter to Harold Camping!

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Dear Harold,

What the fuck?!? I’m still here…I know this because I am listening to my kids argue, my dishes are waiting to be washed and I am still getting collection calls!

Dude the bus didn’t come for me, neither did the space ship! I am HIGHLY disappointed! I wonder where you went Harold! I was counting on your promise of a rapture!

I made plans for this, had t-shirts made for all my friends that read “I’m being Raptured, No seriously…this time its for real”. I sat outside in the rain on a hill top all day like Woody Harrelson in 2012! I wore my home made tin foil helmet, and I made a fool out of my self!

Harold…its not “God” talking to you…even he isn’t THAT cruel! Here let me lend you my tin foil helmet…you need it more then I do!

Ok now its for REAL YO!

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I have always believed in the impending Rapture but now… Now its real..

An earth quake in the east?

I bought a cookie for breakfast… Thought it was bran turns out it was date ….yuck…and I ate it anyway!!!

Amy Winehouse had no illegal drugs in her system!

Britney Spears is getting some kind of lifetime achievement award.

What more proof do you need???

10 Ways to NOT be Raptured!

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#1) What ever you do, DO NOT LOOK UP FROM YOUR SMARTPHONE! Eye contact should never be made with his holyness or any one of his little minions.

#2) Put all of your alcohol in to sippy cups…just incase ‘he’ adds water! You don’t want your drink to be diluted. (this wont necessarily save you from being raptured but it will help make the journey more interesting).

#3) Its best to ALWAYS be running late! Jesus is on a schedule you know?

#4) EAT PORK AND BEEF FOR THE LOVE OF GOD… and who said horses were not edible?? Just saying…

#5) GO hide with the Omish… The theory here is kind of like the mom with 12 kids at the gas station…One is BOUND to be left behind…

#6) Have you slept with your neighbours wife? No? What are you waiting for.

#7) Fart…. A LOT!! This way if you DO get Raptured you will be kicked off the Spaceship.

#8) Your mom had your brother for a reason…and it wasn’t to put bubble gum in your hair.

#9) Read scientific journals… I hear they don’t really like the evolutionarys.

#10) Hang out with me! (please bring rocks and Alcohol for the after Rapture party)

How have you sinned today?

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So since we didn’t end up on Jesus space ship off this Rock, you have to assume we have all sinned!

Here is my contribution to all the sinners of the world.

So proud! You GO GIRL!!

PRIDE- Not only is he happy as hell (and not raptured). His daddy was a leprechaun!

Gree hair... you don't say?

Because EVERYONE wants Green Hair! (Where do I get a bottle of this Green goodness?

I hope he isn't talking about this little guy!

If God was referring to this little creature he was a mean God…who could say that face is Lazy? He’s sitting up isn’t he?

Who the HELL took my picture???

UMMM little afraid here…someone snapped my picture while I was sleeping!!! *closing my curtains*

Anyone have a condom? Anyone?

Seriously does anyone have a Condom?

He has the whole world in his .... mouth!

This MF’er is eating the world…Greedy Bastard! Whatever you do…don’t eat BC… you’ll get the munchies and we will all be doomed!

Lusty lips!

I don’t know about you but I totally want her frog tongue! Super Sexy!!

You know I wish I had this many mouths…would make it sooo much easier to catch up to that Big Mac eating guy… I’m so far behind!!