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Category Archives: i saved your life!

Open Letter to Harold Camping!

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Dear Harold,

What the fuck?!? I’m still here…I know this because I am listening to my kids argue, my dishes are waiting to be washed and I am still getting collection calls!

Dude the bus didn’t come for me, neither did the space ship! I am HIGHLY disappointed! I wonder where you went Harold! I was counting on your promise of a rapture!

I made plans for this, had t-shirts made for all my friends that read “I’m being Raptured, No seriously…this time its for real”. I sat outside in the rain on a hill top all day like Woody Harrelson in 2012! I wore my home made tin foil helmet, and I made a fool out of my self!

Harold…its not “God” talking to you…even he isn’t THAT cruel! Here let me lend you my tin foil helmet…you need it more then I do!

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Yesterday i was almost raptured …by a fucking Corolla!

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My week:

 

To the lady in the friggin Corolla who tried to run me off the road… eat shit.

To the couple who hired me to photograph them and don’t like the pictures even though they are perfectly fine….here is a mirror, I can’t help you if you don’t like the reflection.

To the baby I got to photography and hold again yesterday…You have the whole world in front of you, fantastic parents and your darn cute…Live a good happy life, little one.

To my twin sister…. I love you more the the whole wide univers-ity…and I am STILL cuter then you are! 

To my husband, yes you can borrow $ to fill up your new car…with a big wink…I told you it would be expensive to fuel.

To the guy who made my coffee this morning…GOD BLESS YOU.

To my son who woke me up in the middle of the night because you had a nightmare….I secretly don’t mind if you come sleep with me sometimes!  I know it won’t be long until the snuggles end!

To those who love Ribs…I STILL don’t get it!

To my boss….Jimmy… Your way too much fun and I am GREATFUL I don’t have to put up with that “other” guy anymore.

To my hair…WHY must you hate me sooo much??  I wash you, I brush you, I take care of  you…and you continue to make me look bad!

To the family of kids who live in my neighbourhood who don’t speak English who want to play with Gavin at 10:30 at night and knock on the door constantly for an hour after I say “Gavin in bed” with sleepy hand gestures… you should be in bed too.

 

Its HUMP day… You know what that means?… I still have to work for two more days L

compooter’s are so complicated!

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Him: my internet is not working!

Me: I’m sorry to hear that! What specifically is happening?

Him: well I connect and then it says I’m connected but I’m not connected!

Me: ok so let me make sure I understand…your internet shows its connected but when you open a web page it tells you, you are not connected?

Him: what’s a web page?

Me: *bangs head against my desk* sir how long have you been using the internet? (Check his age! 82 years young)

Him: well I just got this here compooter last week, and I really don’t know how to use it!

Me: fantastic!

The reasons my kids love me!

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1)I give them icecream for breakfast.

2)When they ask me for something my answer is always, “Whatever, I dont care just be careful and don’t make mommy have to take you to the hospital or jail!”

3)I tell my husband to shut up I can’t hear the TV when he is yelling at them.

4) I sneak them treats after dark

5)I write notes to the teacher to excuse their homework not being done!

6) We have a sign in our kitchen that reads “Remember, as far as anyone knows we are a nice, normal family”.

7) I play catch from the kitchen window with my son (no we don’t have a screen-stop judging me).

8)I let them drive when I’m Drunk (they LOVE that).

9) My boy has broken 6 bikes in two years… and I keep getting him new ones! – okay well the neighbours kids keep loosing them….(it is new to him so he doesn’t mind!!)

10) I surround them with the Gays and sinners… I’m TOTALLY saving their souls yo!!