You need to think ahead! Plan! Specifically what you are going to wear! Think of it like getting ready for the prom, or in my case the debutaunt (sadly me AND my phone don’t know how to spell this) ball (because that’s how I roll)!
I prepare by throwing my too long (haircuts are expensive) hair into a lop sided bun that falls apart as soon as its up, a pair of yoga pants with a hole in the tush and a hole in the knee where my six year old picked a hole while whining he didn’t get as many skittles as his sister (where I also slipped his prozac collar on him)! Flip flops from before I became a mother! (10 years ago). A tank top that says “I bend over for roll backs” and makeup inspired by my favorite actress Mimi from Drew Cary!
But you feel free to choose your own outfit!
Once you get there you go get a cart from Opal the geriatric grandmother who’s kids don’t care enough about her to take her to Shady Pines(where the trees aren’t the only things that are shady)! As she shakes and has a mini stroke you accidentally run over her custom orthotic shoe, while your son manically pulls the stickers out of her pocket (you know there is like 2 miles of that shit?).
Anywho the kids are automatically Starving for MACDonalds and you have to remind them that food stamps only cover hot dogs and smokes!
Then you high tail it to the automotive department because the Vet (Chevet) needs a paint job and you hear they have a sale on mismatch paint! Your HOPING for dusty rose!
The kids are screaming and hollering about the toy department and your screaming back telling them their first daddy left because of the stretch marks you two caused and reminding them AGAIN how many dates you could have if you didn’t have them!
And then you send them to the toy department to play for a while!
Once you get rid of the kids you mossy on up to Walter the janitor. )You’ve had your eyes on him for a while and he smiles when you come around and even though he has no teeth you can’t help finding him sooooo attractive! And besides he has a damn good job and the kids need a daddy!
So you take the plunge and. Ask him to drive you and the kids back to the shelter! He of course says yes but that the bus is expensive and what does he get out of the deal!
This is it! Your moment! You have been working on this and practicing all month, the bathroom blow job! He asks you if he can move in and of course you agree!
You go collect the kids
From toys and introduce them to their new Daddy!
You say good bye to Opal, and tell her you hope she isn’t dead when you come back next month on welfare payday!
She mumbles something under her breath about sweet release, and you know just what she means, your getting laid tonight too!