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10 Ways to NOT be Raptured!

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#1) What ever you do, DO NOT LOOK UP FROM YOUR SMARTPHONE! Eye contact should never be made with his holyness or any one of his little minions.

#2) Put all of your alcohol in to sippy cups…just incase ‘he’ adds water! You don’t want your drink to be diluted. (this wont necessarily save you from being raptured but it will help make the journey more interesting).

#3) Its best to ALWAYS be running late! Jesus is on a schedule you know?

#4) EAT PORK AND BEEF FOR THE LOVE OF GOD… and who said horses were not edible?? Just saying…

#5) GO hide with the Omish… The theory here is kind of like the mom with 12 kids at the gas station…One is BOUND to be left behind…

#6) Have you slept with your neighbours wife? No? What are you waiting for.

#7) Fart…. A LOT!! This way if you DO get Raptured you will be kicked off the Spaceship.

#8) Your mom had your brother for a reason…and it wasn’t to put bubble gum in your hair.

#9) Read scientific journals… I hear they don’t really like the evolutionarys.

#10) Hang out with me! (please bring rocks and Alcohol for the after Rapture party)


7 responses »

  1. Dear Sweet Mama and I were just discussing how DSM’s Concubine does not believe us about the End of the World, and so she will be woeully unprepared for the Rapture and Jesus will be mad if he has to wait for her to pack!

  2. OK I can vouch, do not be late for Jesus he waits for no man…or Loon 😦

  3. You forgot, “Follow any of the money making ideas from the post, ‘money making ideas’.”


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